The Thing Is

The Thing Is
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

– by Ellen Bass

Lady Slipper

The Lady Slippers are out at Appleton – a rare beauty that grows in only a few places along the trail. I was afraid I had missed them this year, but there they were the other day, standing proudly after a long rain.

Oil on Canvas.

Appleton Farms

I remember when my holistic doctor instructed me to spend just 1/2 hour a day outside. That was 5 years into my illness, and a time when I was virtually housebound. I thought about it, but it wasn’t until my family brought home our dog Marley a few years later, that I began to try. I discovered some beautiful trails a few miles down the road on the other side of town, called the “Grass Rides” at Appleton Farms. The trails are long and winding, bordered by woods, stone walls, and open pastures. Once registered, dogs can walk there without a leash – and so, it was a great place to take a puppy with boundless energy.  Slowly, and with my dog’s encouragement, I built up enough stamina to complete one of the many loops, as every step back then was painful. And, there were a few occasions when I got in the car, only to turn around once I got there. That seems so long ago. 8 years later, I walk every day with my dog, and for the most part, I walk freely. This particular stretch of the trail and stand of trees at Appleton is my favorite. There are many things that I have done to regain my health, but I attribute a large part of where I am now to this dog – for motivating me to get outdoors and moving again. I had no idea how healing spending time in nature and bonding with animals could be.

Reeling

I went out in the boat with my husband yesterday. It was late in the afternoon – and I liked the way the sun, low in the sky, lit up his reel while he was bass fishing.

Angel

Cuvilly Field

My dog and I walk the meditation path behind our house every day – and with each passing, we see something new.

Home Again

This daughter came home from school yesterday – the other, in a few weeks. I’m glad – the house won’t feel so empty anymore. I love summer vacation when my girls are back where they belong – at least for a little while – until they are off again, out in the world finding their way. I try to make up for lost time when they are home. I was ill for most of their childhood, and wasn’t the mother I wish I could have been. I realize I’ll never be able to recapture those years, but rather than be swallowed by the sadness those thoughts can bring, I focus on the present and what I have in this moment: I’ve regained a large portion of my health, I have a good marriage, a job I love, a happy home and two thriving, beautiful girls who have everything to look forward to. On the eve of Mother’s Day, I feel pretty blessed right now.

– photographs by cynthiaaugust.com